You’ve been Eboue’d

So all my worst fears were realised last Saturday. It was the first match of the season, and that usually means sunny pitches and a bit of a festive atmosphere with everyone happy to finally see some real football after a long break. It also means seeing the new strip, and hopefully one of two new signings in a team you honestly believe will win everything in the universe.

Why the hell then did we get Emmanuel Eboué in centre midfield? Seriously.. what is it with Arsene and this guy. But i’ve thought about this long and hard and I think I’ve figured it out. See.. it all makes sense when you think about it. See… I remember a time when us Gooners were able to laugh at those muppet’s down the road for their inability to keep players fit (see Darren Anderton). But over the past 3 or 4 seasons, we seem to have become unusually injury prone as a team. Coincidentally, Emmanuel Eboué has been with us for roughly the same amount of time. Of course in his early days he often got a start at right back, and so we didn’t get too much trouble from him, but more recently, with the fans pressuring Wenger to drop him, he has had to take matters into his own hands. Obviously if Eboué dropped out of the first team, soon enough he’d be let go. and no other manager in his right mind would pay him to play football! 

First he tampered with Freddie Ljungberg and Tomas Rosicky using an ancient surgery technique he learnt in the wilds of the Cote D’Ivoire, replacing their fit and healthy muscles with rubber bands. This obviously gave him a clear run at the right wing spot as right back was now off limits with the arrival of our golden haired wonder, Bacary Sagna. But no… that was never going to be enough. When Arsene replaced Freddie, with Theo from The Cosby Show, and Alex Hleb came in he had to rethink things. He could probably beat up Theo in the showers, he was but a kid, but the pasty Belarussian was obviously a different story. He was already pretty bendy so the rubber band trick would probably not work. So instead he befriended Hleb, telling him of how he once spent a summer in Mar Bella, and it was the best time in his life. Down there, he told Alex, they appreciate the lesser understood art of not shooting. Of course in the short term, he needed another plan to keep his place in the side. There was that cocky Dutch kid who kept putting the ball through his legs at training. So when Arsene wasn’t looking, he shoved his kneecap up his a#$@. This meant the pasty kid who couldn’t shoot would obviously now play as a second striker (???) and the right wing slot would again be his. 

Of course even Eboué had to get injured. And while he was out, young Theo went and dazzled everyone against Liverpool. So Eboué had to temporarily give up his designs on right wing and looked instead to right back again. That Sagna certainly was a hard b*stard.. with those golden serpents he had coming out of his head. But when he wasn’t looking he tied his golden braids to the back of Gael Clichy’s boots. Gael set off in a sprint doing about Mach 2 as he always does, ripping Sagna’s head clean off, putting him out of contention for the remainder of the season. But of course, that stupid Swiss bloke who looks like Frankenstein’s monster dobbed him in to Le Gaffer, and thus the second best player in the Ivory Coast, according to Emmanuel, was shoved out at right back instead and Eboué was again on the bench. 

There wasn’t much hope for Eboué by this stage. He had lost right back and right wing. He had to think outside the box. And then it all just fell into place. He hid Mathieu Flamini’s favourite Parker Pen, leaving him unable to sign the new deal Arsenal were offering and eventually upset, he moved to Milan. There was that strangely shaped French kid with the attitude problem who didn’t even stay long enough to be plotted against. The other lads said his boots were too big… no wonder he ran so strangely. And the old Brazilian geezer was already set on spending his retirement eating gyros and olives and bunked off to Greece. And then all that was left was that Spanish golden child and the lanky french bloke with one foot on backwards………. 

And of course that is just a theory, but I think you all know it makes sense. With Cesc returning, and Denilson playing a good game, expect Samir Nasri to now fall foul of a mysterious muscle injury any minute now. 



10 Responses to You’ve been Eboue’d

  1. Stu says:

    i see your logic and you do seem to be right

    good job in solving this

  2. vom says:

    All I can say for you my friend, is that you don’t know football.
    Get off Eboue’s back. He is doing a good job for the team.

  3. Vom – on behalf of Paul who wrote the article – I love it when people say ‘You don’t know football’ when you don’t agree with them. I find it so arrogant mate. You must certainly don’t have to agree with the site but telling someone you don’t know football because you don’t agree with them is so laughable and something a spud would come out and say.

  4. By the way, if people disagree with what’s being written, that’s all good – everyone has differing opinions. I’m not going to slate someone because they have a difference of opinion. But please don’t bang on with that old chestnut ‘you don’t know football’ bullshit.. it’s not big and it’s not clever.

  5. I don’t know football? Cr*p! I’ve been wasting my life away watching Arsenal week in week out! How did I not realise this earlier? But thanks for letting me know.. I think i’ll go take up knitting instead.. guess I’ll leave the incisive tactical analysis to you Vom.


    PS Eboue is still sh*te.

  6. meditation says:

    what vom should have said is that you watch football but have a short memory. in the season when arsenal got to the champions league final eboue was one of the best right backs in the premiership and the world .instead of doubting it go over most of those games during that season and you will see. against real madrid, against juve even barcelona and many more. i have these tapes. ok his form is dropping but wouldnt yours if you were playing in a new position plus the fans getting on your back. you can tell he loves the club. he makes mistakes but he is human. he seems like he brings comedy to the changing room which would help adebayor to get goals ,will help fabregas create assists by giving them joy. football is not just about being on the pitch that just a fans perspective not a managers . to boo or to question eboue being on the pitch is to boo or to question arsene and im sorry but he has done alot more than we have for the club. when goals are scored just look out for who is usually there first to congratulate his teamates and show his support showing a great amount of selflessness.eboue. thats called sacrificing yourself for the team . . these things are vital. look at robin van peresies reaction when adebayor scored against liverpool in the champions league at anfield. eboue balances his mistakes with hard work and giving energy to his teamates so they can shine . he is now taking boos for them whilst wallcott is hailed for making more mistakes. pull out the stats then question eboues performance. lets stop with the gossip and bring solutions. oh i forgot we aint the manager so all we can do is support . what does the word fan actually mean? up the gooners

  7. I don’t think anyone would question Eboué’s postion at RB – he done alright. However where he lets himself and the club down is his theatrics and oscar performances. Also he is no right winger by any stretch – just how many goals did he set up last season? And just how many did he score? Walcott needs to grab his opportunity and I hope he does – this will be a huge season for The Kid.

    But as for Eboué being a joker. Well f*ck me that’s just great – lets put someone in the team who tells jokes. I might as well see if I can get a game then. Admittedly I aint Premier League quality but that doesn’t seem to matter. If you want character lets get Mad Jens back!

    And Mediation I really think you’re pulling at straws when you comment about who runs to who first when a goal is scored. If Eboué put the work and graft in like Che Grimandi we would love him but like I said he lets himself down too often with his theatrics.

    I for one would love Eboué to a ‘Flamini’ this year – but we’ll see.

  8. meditation says:

    thats my point he is a right back playing a new role. give the man a chance. you might be able to tell jokes but can you f..king play to his intensisty . lauren in my opinion peaked at 28 years old. like i said fans perspective not all round. if his theatrics won arsenal the champions league trophy you would have kissed his ass. you dont want to judge wallcott on his performances now but have hope for the future but you judge eboue now and dont have faith for the future with him. thats my point of you being biased towards wallcot . is it because he is english? you may aswell call for the foriegn quota. it was a generalised statement the comedy, he obviously brings more to the table. the cross for van persies volley . henrys winner against man u and porto. hes young and has time. this isnt champ manager. buy a player then get rid . emotions are involved so of course it makes a difference his energy. just look at silvestre. how many players stay at man u for 9 years, but united fans dont really rate him highly but ferguson did. if managers were to have the faith as some fickle fans then the fans would be the managers. believe my son. thats believing in the impossible. we have never won the champions league so we have to believe in the doubted . its what keeps managers going, and us . if you dont rate eboue fair enough so thats when you support them the most.. you would be a bad dad. also check the footage of goal celebrations. its also about having the right chemistry. check astro sports in brazil and see their ethics. football is about balance . he brings this offensivly and defensivly . so just because he is a right winger dont just quote offensive stats as he brings defesinve stats. im not a emphatic eboue supporter but i support arsenal and spend my time projecting positivity. say your on the pitch with your friends and one of your friends is getting boos then im sorry but that would unbalance your game . so unless your phoning eboue directly and he jkeeps it to himself ,your affecting him, all the other arsenal players arsene and me hence the big write up . you never now, your faith might get him more goals and assists. peace

  9. Micky says:

    Meditation, you need to lighten up. Eboue may bring comedy to the Arsenal changing room, but you are not bringing much to this site. The point of the article was to make you smile.
    We all support Arsenal in a positive way, but you have to be able to laugh at yourself and your team from time to time. I am sure that Eboue is doing, and has done a great job for the team, but he is an easy target for a spot of humour, and I am sure that he won’t suffer any permanent damage from it.
    Peace back at ya

  10. Rae says:

    Jesus Meditation, I’ve been on this forum for a long time & have discussed football with Tommi on other sites before this one & for you to suggest he doesn’t know the game is ignorant but to further to suggest he would make a ‘bad dad’ because of an opinion is nothing short of rude & unacceptable.

    I got the artice & the humour intended. Futher, I totally agree with Tommi that Eboue is just not good enough. Humour & celebrating goals is not what most Arsenal fans want from their players, I would prefer someone to have an attitude like Le Sulk & play well. Eboue was a good right back, but not good enough that Arsene thought to replace him. He played poorly last season on the right & even worse in the middle this campaign sofar. Take Saturday for example, his role was to sit in front of the back four & to offer protection to them aka Mackelale or Flamini last season. He didn’t. He ran around like a headless chicken most of the game allowing Murphy & Bullard to dominate. Denilson is to blame aswell – he had a nightmare – but it was Eboue job to be the defensive midfielder & he wasn’t.

    We are one player short of a championship winning side imo & that’s a defensive midfielder. Give me Barry, Alonso, Johnson or Iner, or play Song, Djourou or Toure in that role, but don’t play the funnyman Eboue because he is not good enough in that position. He is good cover at right back (although Arsene didn’t think so last season) but after that I can’t see what use he brings to the team.

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