So all my worst fears were realised last Saturday. It was the first match of the season, and that usually means sunny pitches and a bit of a festive atmosphere with everyone happy to finally see some real football after a long break. It also means seeing the new strip, and hopefully one of two new signings in a team you honestly believe will win everything in the universe.
Why the hell then did we get Emmanuel Eboué in centre midfield? Seriously.. what is it with Arsene and this guy. But i’ve thought about this long and hard and I think I’ve figured it out. See.. it all makes sense when you think about it. See… I remember a time when us Gooners were able to laugh at those muppet’s down the road for their inability to keep players fit (see Darren Anderton). But over the past 3 or 4 seasons, we seem to have become unusually injury prone as a team. Coincidentally, Emmanuel Eboué has been with us for roughly the same amount of time. Of course in his early days he often got a start at right back, and so we didn’t get too much trouble from him, but more recently, with the fans pressuring Wenger to drop him, he has had to take matters into his own hands. Obviously if Eboué dropped out of the first team, soon enough he’d be let go. and no other manager in his right mind would pay him to play football!
First he tampered with Freddie Ljungberg and Tomas Rosicky using an ancient surgery technique he learnt in the wilds of the Cote D’Ivoire, replacing their fit and healthy muscles with rubber bands. This obviously gave him a clear run at the right wing spot as right back was now off limits with the arrival of our golden haired wonder, Bacary Sagna. But no… that was never going to be enough. When Arsene replaced Freddie, with Theo from The Cosby Show, and Alex Hleb came in he had to rethink things. He could probably beat up Theo in the showers, he was but a kid, but the pasty Belarussian was obviously a different story. He was already pretty bendy so the rubber band trick would probably not work. So instead he befriended Hleb, telling him of how he once spent a summer in Mar Bella, and it was the best time in his life. Down there, he told Alex, they appreciate the lesser understood art of not shooting. Of course in the short term, he needed another plan to keep his place in the side. There was that cocky Dutch kid who kept putting the ball through his legs at training. So when Arsene wasn’t looking, he shoved his kneecap up his a#$@. This meant the pasty kid who couldn’t shoot would obviously now play as a second striker (???) and the right wing slot would again be his.
Of course even Eboué had to get injured. And while he was out, young Theo went and dazzled everyone against Liverpool. So Eboué had to temporarily give up his designs on right wing and looked instead to right back again. That Sagna certainly was a hard b*stard.. with those golden serpents he had coming out of his head. But when he wasn’t looking he tied his golden braids to the back of Gael Clichy’s boots. Gael set off in a sprint doing about Mach 2 as he always does, ripping Sagna’s head clean off, putting him out of contention for the remainder of the season. But of course, that stupid Swiss bloke who looks like Frankenstein’s monster dobbed him in to Le Gaffer, and thus the second best player in the Ivory Coast, according to Emmanuel, was shoved out at right back instead and Eboué was again on the bench.
There wasn’t much hope for Eboué by this stage. He had lost right back and right wing. He had to think outside the box. And then it all just fell into place. He hid Mathieu Flamini’s favourite Parker Pen, leaving him unable to sign the new deal Arsenal were offering and eventually upset, he moved to Milan. There was that strangely shaped French kid with the attitude problem who didn’t even stay long enough to be plotted against. The other lads said his boots were too big… no wonder he ran so strangely. And the old Brazilian geezer was already set on spending his retirement eating gyros and olives and bunked off to Greece. And then all that was left was that Spanish golden child and the lanky french bloke with one foot on backwards……….
And of course that is just a theory, but I think you all know it makes sense. With Cesc returning, and Denilson playing a good game, expect Samir Nasri to now fall foul of a mysterious muscle injury any minute now.