You’ve been Eboue’d

So all my worst fears were realised last Saturday. It was the first match of the season, and that usually means sunny pitches and a bit of a festive atmosphere with everyone happy to finally see some real football after a long break. It also means seeing the new strip, and hopefully one of two new signings in a team you honestly believe will win everything in the universe.

Why the hell then did we get Emmanuel Eboué in centre midfield? Seriously.. what is it with Arsene and this guy. But i’ve thought about this long and hard and I think I’ve figured it out. See.. it all makes sense when you think about it. See… I remember a time when us Gooners were able to laugh at those muppet’s down the road for their inability to keep players fit (see Darren Anderton). But over the past 3 or 4 seasons, we seem to have become unusually injury prone as a team. Coincidentally, Emmanuel Eboué has been with us for roughly the same amount of time. Of course in his early days he often got a start at right back, and so we didn’t get too much trouble from him, but more recently, with the fans pressuring Wenger to drop him, he has had to take matters into his own hands. Obviously if Eboué dropped out of the first team, soon enough he’d be let go. and no other manager in his right mind would pay him to play football! 

First he tampered with Freddie Ljungberg and Tomas Rosicky using an ancient surgery technique he learnt in the wilds of the Cote D’Ivoire, replacing their fit and healthy muscles with rubber bands. This obviously gave him a clear run at the right wing spot as right back was now off limits with the arrival of our golden haired wonder, Bacary Sagna. But no… that was never going to be enough. When Arsene replaced Freddie, with Theo from The Cosby Show, and Alex Hleb came in he had to rethink things. He could probably beat up Theo in the showers, he was but a kid, but the pasty Belarussian was obviously a different story. He was already pretty bendy so the rubber band trick would probably not work. So instead he befriended Hleb, telling him of how he once spent a summer in Mar Bella, and it was the best time in his life. Down there, he told Alex, they appreciate the lesser understood art of not shooting. Of course in the short term, he needed another plan to keep his place in the side. There was that cocky Dutch kid who kept putting the ball through his legs at training. So when Arsene wasn’t looking, he shoved his kneecap up his a#$@. This meant the pasty kid who couldn’t shoot would obviously now play as a second striker (???) and the right wing slot would again be his. 

Of course even Eboué had to get injured. And while he was out, young Theo went and dazzled everyone against Liverpool. So Eboué had to temporarily give up his designs on right wing and looked instead to right back again. That Sagna certainly was a hard b*stard.. with those golden serpents he had coming out of his head. But when he wasn’t looking he tied his golden braids to the back of Gael Clichy’s boots. Gael set off in a sprint doing about Mach 2 as he always does, ripping Sagna’s head clean off, putting him out of contention for the remainder of the season. But of course, that stupid Swiss bloke who looks like Frankenstein’s monster dobbed him in to Le Gaffer, and thus the second best player in the Ivory Coast, according to Emmanuel, was shoved out at right back instead and Eboué was again on the bench. 

There wasn’t much hope for Eboué by this stage. He had lost right back and right wing. He had to think outside the box. And then it all just fell into place. He hid Mathieu Flamini’s favourite Parker Pen, leaving him unable to sign the new deal Arsenal were offering and eventually upset, he moved to Milan. There was that strangely shaped French kid with the attitude problem who didn’t even stay long enough to be plotted against. The other lads said his boots were too big… no wonder he ran so strangely. And the old Brazilian geezer was already set on spending his retirement eating gyros and olives and bunked off to Greece. And then all that was left was that Spanish golden child and the lanky french bloke with one foot on backwards………. 

And of course that is just a theory, but I think you all know it makes sense. With Cesc returning, and Denilson playing a good game, expect Samir Nasri to now fall foul of a mysterious muscle injury any minute now. 

Oh.

Well we won…St Michael Thomas t-shirt up for grabs..

Good day to all you Gooner’s out there.

Well all I can say is that we won, that’s it, oh and thank feck that FC Twente strikers are about as lethal as a doughnut, not the ones with jam inside, the ones you see in the Sainsbury’s bakery bit with the hundred’s and thousand’s – who buys those? Anyway I digress FC Twente are a poor side when it comes to finishing although they play a great passing game. At times they reminded me of The Arsenal (without the flair) with their quick one-twos and passing in triangles. When I say they remind me of The Arsenal I don’t mean The Arsenal that played last night because they played like Bolton the amount of times the ball was in the air I thought my neck was going to give, I mean The Arsenal we know and love that can play the short passing game. I wont knock our team as we won, I wont say it was convincing but we won. 

One thing I would say is that I think Le Gaffer is papering over the cracks citing that the team was very young, well you know what, it shouldn’t be now should it? I’m not sure how many ‘big’ teams would field a 20 year old and a 17 year old in the middle of the park. I know injuries to key players are partly to blame for fielding these youngsters, however timing and a cheque book could of put a potential disaster completely out of mind. Well as I’ve said we won but there was some woeful performances out there and if anything the game does show how paper thin we are when we lose key players. I mean come on Emmanuel Eboué playing on the left wing? FFS! I know Wenger subscribes to the idea of Totaalvoetbal but I think he’s taking it too far now. Eboué is many things, he is a great athlete, but a a greater actor but he certainly isn’t no left sided player, Abou Diaby must be spinning on his treatment table bed. 

I’ve seen on some sites Gooner’s arguing with each other about spending money and injured players etc. However you can’t legislate for the injuries we’ve got already, no one would of thought The Cesc would be injured or new boy Samir Nasri but I think the clever money would be Abou Diaby not playing more than three games in a row and the less said about Tomáš Rosický the better – he makes Darren Anderton positively seem almost Frank Lampard-like, no I don’t mean a fat kebab eating chav but not missing something like 100+ Premier League games in a row. I know surprising isn’t it that Frank Lumpard has a record like that I think it’s something to do with a bonus of every game played he gets to go the Fat Fuk Chinese on Brompton Road and do the all you can eat menu. 

Anyway Gooner’s joking aside, we were dire – I actually missed the first goal as I was texting my brother Brian and keeping him in the loop as he doesn’t have Setanta and even when we scored I didn’t get overly excited. I’m glad we won, of course I am – I just think we need to seriously address what we have in the middle of the park and not have to rely on two youngsters to get us to a big fat mouthwatering prize worth potentially £10-£15m. Also with Aaron Ramsey we only bought him in the summer when many thought he was going to sign up for Manchester USA, who the hell would play in the middle if we didn’t have him? Another 17 year old, a 16 year old? Could you imagine if we lost or drew that game? The money Wenger thinks he’s saving or more to the point not spending wouldn’t be an issue as there would be huge pressure on us and the worst case scenario would be too horrific to consider. I know one player with experience we wont be getting is Xabi Alonso as the hubcap nicking, shell suit wearing, giro getting Liverpool Scallies USA played him in their 0-0 draw with Belgium champions Standard Liege – so bang goes that signing. But as much as I faith in the kids we need some much needed experience to help them out. We got away with it last night but a better team and yes there will be better will punish us. However I will say – well done boys! And Wenger please get your wallet out before it’s too late.

Clichy wants to be a leg-end, another star linked, Wenger defends Eboué and other bits doing the rounds…

Candidate for Arsenal Player of the Season, Gael ‘Force’ Clichy is close to signing a new deal with The Arsenal. Much to the dismay of the media and sites as they can’t keep up with their ‘Arsenal facing mass exodus’ shenanigans. Clichy who has made the left back spot his own after a ton a injuries and C*ntley C*nt taking the money and running to CSKA Chelsea. This is a massive boost to The Arsenal, although I was never in doubt that Clichy wasn’t going to stay at London’s finest. I met Clichy last year and it he seems a right good guy, very down to earth, loyal and grounded, can’t say that about many footballers. 

 

Unlike a certain Belorussian player, who will remain nameless, Alex Hleb, Gael “The Best left back in Europe™”Clichy has come out and say he wants to stay a Gunner.

“Everything’s going well because my intention is clear: I want to stay at Arsenal.

“I would love to have a career here like Patrick Vieira or Thierry Henry, to stay many years at Arsenal and leave my mark on the club.”

So no danger that The Arsenal will be have to look for another quality left back any time soon. But you can be sure extension or not that the likes of Real Madrid, Barcelona, AC Milan and Inter will be sniffing about. But we’re used to that though are we Gooners. 

What with Mathieu Flamoney doing one the media are still falling over themselves linking us with just about every defensive midfield player who can kick a ball (so that rules out spurs players then, boom boom!). The latest, although a player who was linked to The Arsenal even when Flamini was still an Arsenal player is Portugeezer Miguel Veloso who plies his trade for Sporting. I as well as many a Gooner am still not sure what Arsène Wenger intends to do with the defensive midfield role. Will he recruit from within? The likes of Denilson, Abou Diaby and a resurgent Alex Song have all been mentioned and lets not forget Gilberto could still be around next season. But how do you readers see it? Would you be happy with the ‘homegrown’ players stepping up or would you prefer a ready made replacement. How different this saga would of been if The Arsenal didn’t let that Lassana Diarra go after only four months. But there you go. 

So Veloso is another name added to the hat. A position not on Wenger’s radar is a striker (apparently) as he has confirmed Mexican loanee Carlos Vela will be used in the first team next season. The club have applied for Vela’s work permit which means if it’s successful he’ll at least get a run out in the Carling Cup. Wenger has already confirmed that he will use Vela as a fourth striker, so looks like we’ll be relaying on youth and inexperience again, I can hear the groans from here. It seems that no one actually knows how much money The Arsenal have got to spend this summer it’s anything from £25m – £75m? Who knows? Does Arsene? I’m not sure if we need to go and buy a striker but if you have someone like David Villa who has already issued a ‘come and get me’ plea then I would definitely get him. Could you imagine Villa in our team? Well I think that’s about all we’re going to be able to do – imagine. A striker who has been linked to us via the media is an Argentine forward who hasn’t as far as I know been compared to coked up dwarf and the leg-end that is Diego ‘Hand of God’ Maradonna. The former Birmingham City loanee Mauro Zárate is being priced at £20m. Not sure why the papers/sites thinks Wenger would spend that much on a player when he clearly has a bit of ‘Scottishness’ to him in the money department, 

Wenger having a laugh: Le Gaffer Arsène Wenger OBE has defended his decision to keep playing diving,cheating, no scoring Emmanuel Eboué at right wing. Just why Wenger keeps playing the bambi on ice player makes a many a Gooner scratch their heads. Anyway Wenger’s explanation will no doubt leave you scratching your head a bit more. I must admit that Wenger can explain as much as he wants, I’m not backing him on this one, Eboué is a joke. He’s good for a back up right back but lets himself down with all his shenanigans…..