You’ve been Eboue’d

So all my worst fears were realised last Saturday. It was the first match of the season, and that usually means sunny pitches and a bit of a festive atmosphere with everyone happy to finally see some real football after a long break. It also means seeing the new strip, and hopefully one of two new signings in a team you honestly believe will win everything in the universe.

Why the hell then did we get Emmanuel Eboué in centre midfield? Seriously.. what is it with Arsene and this guy. But i’ve thought about this long and hard and I think I’ve figured it out. See.. it all makes sense when you think about it. See… I remember a time when us Gooners were able to laugh at those muppet’s down the road for their inability to keep players fit (see Darren Anderton). But over the past 3 or 4 seasons, we seem to have become unusually injury prone as a team. Coincidentally, Emmanuel Eboué has been with us for roughly the same amount of time. Of course in his early days he often got a start at right back, and so we didn’t get too much trouble from him, but more recently, with the fans pressuring Wenger to drop him, he has had to take matters into his own hands. Obviously if Eboué dropped out of the first team, soon enough he’d be let go. and no other manager in his right mind would pay him to play football! 

First he tampered with Freddie Ljungberg and Tomas Rosicky using an ancient surgery technique he learnt in the wilds of the Cote D’Ivoire, replacing their fit and healthy muscles with rubber bands. This obviously gave him a clear run at the right wing spot as right back was now off limits with the arrival of our golden haired wonder, Bacary Sagna. But no… that was never going to be enough. When Arsene replaced Freddie, with Theo from The Cosby Show, and Alex Hleb came in he had to rethink things. He could probably beat up Theo in the showers, he was but a kid, but the pasty Belarussian was obviously a different story. He was already pretty bendy so the rubber band trick would probably not work. So instead he befriended Hleb, telling him of how he once spent a summer in Mar Bella, and it was the best time in his life. Down there, he told Alex, they appreciate the lesser understood art of not shooting. Of course in the short term, he needed another plan to keep his place in the side. There was that cocky Dutch kid who kept putting the ball through his legs at training. So when Arsene wasn’t looking, he shoved his kneecap up his a#$@. This meant the pasty kid who couldn’t shoot would obviously now play as a second striker (???) and the right wing slot would again be his. 

Of course even Eboué had to get injured. And while he was out, young Theo went and dazzled everyone against Liverpool. So Eboué had to temporarily give up his designs on right wing and looked instead to right back again. That Sagna certainly was a hard b*stard.. with those golden serpents he had coming out of his head. But when he wasn’t looking he tied his golden braids to the back of Gael Clichy’s boots. Gael set off in a sprint doing about Mach 2 as he always does, ripping Sagna’s head clean off, putting him out of contention for the remainder of the season. But of course, that stupid Swiss bloke who looks like Frankenstein’s monster dobbed him in to Le Gaffer, and thus the second best player in the Ivory Coast, according to Emmanuel, was shoved out at right back instead and Eboué was again on the bench. 

There wasn’t much hope for Eboué by this stage. He had lost right back and right wing. He had to think outside the box. And then it all just fell into place. He hid Mathieu Flamini’s favourite Parker Pen, leaving him unable to sign the new deal Arsenal were offering and eventually upset, he moved to Milan. There was that strangely shaped French kid with the attitude problem who didn’t even stay long enough to be plotted against. The other lads said his boots were too big… no wonder he ran so strangely. And the old Brazilian geezer was already set on spending his retirement eating gyros and olives and bunked off to Greece. And then all that was left was that Spanish golden child and the lanky french bloke with one foot on backwards………. 

And of course that is just a theory, but I think you all know it makes sense. With Cesc returning, and Denilson playing a good game, expect Samir Nasri to now fall foul of a mysterious muscle injury any minute now. 

Oh.

Technical difficulties…Last day to win a free St Michael Thomas t-shirt..

Firstly Gooner’s a big welcome back, as you may have noticed there’s been no new post since last week Thursday this is all due to ‘techincal difficulties’. Anyhow we seem to be up and running now a bit like our young ‘uns. Paul Wright our roving reporter’s column was due to be posted on Friday prior to our opening win of the season against northern monkeys West Brom of the Albion where Samir Nasri scored a debutant goal. Just think another ten goals from the youngster and we WILL all be thinking Alex Who? Any road up take your mind back pre-weekend and read the post below and enjoy it Gooner’s, some of the content has been changed slightly just to confuse you into thinking you’ve just stepped out of a time machine. Please – read on.

Lightweights to win the league… 

Looking at the Arsenal squad for the match played last week against FC Twente was a strange thing. Here we were playing a game, which along with the return leg back at The Grove, was worth 20 Million Euros for the winner, and we were going into it with a 17yr old debutante at the heart of our team, hoping to be dragged through by the relative experience of a 19yr old with just 23 appearances for the club. I know it’s Olympic season, and the gymnasts and divers all seem to be getting younger, but this was getting ridiculous. We had 16 year old Jack Wilshere on the bench just in case one of the ‘older’ pro’s got injured. It’s just mental. 

But we got through the away game, and I guess it’s all experience for our kids. And we beat Steve McClaren.. and that makes me very happy indeed. They now have to come back to our place by which time we should have Cesc and Nasri back, Touré should be fit, and fingers crossed for no injuries we should spank them good and proper. Still no signings though, and with a lot of our reputed targets going and cup toeing themselves it’s starting to get a bit worrying. But I’m sure Le Gaffer has a plan to bring in a 4 yr old goalkeeper from Finland and will convert him into a rugged hard tackling midfielder in the Vieira mould. 

Still, the strange thing is, despite all this youth and me panicking, we’re not actually doing to bad so far. We hardly struggled in pre-season and a lot of our fringe players look like they could step up, Bendtner in particular looked very impressive. And if this slightly lightweight squad can win things and force our inexperienced players to quickly gain experience, then when the likes of Rosicky and Eduardo get back, things might not look nearly so bad. 

In other news our old friend Jose Moaninho has been spouting off a lot recently about us. I couldn’t be bothered to read any of it to be honest – can’t someone run him over repeatedly with a bus? With spikes on the tyres. Then parade his pulped head around the ground at the first game of the season. That would really make me feel a lot better about football in Europe. I’m sure the ‘mind games’ will begin with Sir Manure shortly too. A week before the season he always seems to decide to take a swipe at whoever is threatening him that particular week. Trouble is, until they get a translator in, nobody can understand a word he says. And while we are busily worrying about our lads, United have no Ronaldo and Rooney is off round the back of the training sheds having five quick cigarettes, and Liverpool are doing their usual trick of forgetting to score goals. We know Sp*rs will implode and Chelski.. well who knows about them. They could just as soon appoint Vladimir Putin as their new manager should ‘Big Phil’ not win 9 – 0 in his opening fixture. So all in all i’m quite hopeful for this season, despite the slight concerns about our squad depth. 

Anyway… see y’all on the other side kids… lets get some of those Chinese synchronised divers in – they seem to know how to win stuff and if nothing else would probably win a shed load of free kicks!

Wenger boys get fans salivating… Is Benitez a mentalist.. New t-shirt competition..

Easy Gooner’s and good day to you all. 

First up, I wont bang on about The Arsenal’s performance in our one nil win over Real Madrid in yesterdays match up in The Emirates Cup. I’ve only been on the interweb less than an hour and read plenty of reports and opinions so there’s pretty much no need for me to repeat what’s all ready on offer and no I’m not being a lazy bastard! What I will say about the game in a very concise manner is that Jack Wilshere, frigging hell. Is he really only 16? He will be some player but we have to remember not to pile the pressure of expectations on his very young shoulders. Did you see how he rode the GBH assault charge from Garcia when the Spanish thug tried to do a open theatre amputation on the young lad? Jack roasted him and made a £24m rated defender look like a spurs player. 

Now Emmanuel Adebayor with his badge kissing shenanigans, WTF? It’s going to take more than scoring a penalty to win the fans over fella. Did anyone else throw up in their mouths a bit when he kissed the badge? It was interesting to see the reactions of the fans in the stand in front of him when he started doing all that crap. The fans aren’t silly Ade, you have much work to do and kissing off The Arsenal badge isn’t going to be the way forward to make the fans love you again. I said last week the only way for The Togonator™ to get the fans back on side is to works his nackers off, score a bag full of goals and perhaps get a dose of humbleness wont go amiss either. Lastly on our players, Denilson looks like he’s getting better, Diaby when he fancies it does like the business, although as we know he can get a bit sloppy, Sagna is the nuts, Robin van Persie we need to keep the sicknote waving Dutch Master fit as he’s vital and Theo Walcott looks like this season could be the one he blows up, he should glimpses of what we’re all hoping for. But I must admit as a team we looked proper. I know it’s only pre-season but I bet Real Madrid didn’t expect to come away with a loss against us. 

Lastly, many a report has The Arsenal linked to the hubcap nicking, shell suit wearing, giro getting Liverpool Scallies USA’s play maker Xabi Alonso. The Mail on Sunday that staple diet of all things that’s wrong with England even reckon a deal has been struck. Now everyone knows The Gunners needs an ‘experienced’ midfield man and Alonso would tick all the boxes including the one which says ‘Premier League experience’ which with our new look midfield will be very important. Now I wouldn’t mind either Gareth Barry or Alonso they would both fit the bill however Barry can play at the back as well, fitting in perfectly with Le Gaffer’s rhetoric jack of all trades of a player having about five jobs.

However what cracks me up with this proposed move for Xabi Alonso is that Raphael Benitez has priced him up at £18m. This guy is truly a mentalist. Benitez even as Stevie Wonder could see is going hell for leather in his pursuit of Barry and nothing it seems will stop him. What with having Argentine Javier Mascherano in midfield Alonso will be surplus to requirements. So you would think Benitez would put a realistic price on him, seeing that he wants to shift him. It’s been reported that ‘allegedly’ Le Gaffer has asked to lower the price of the wanted away player, so we’ll see what happens. Benitez who you would think would take the money and run said:

“Xabi is very good player and will not be easy to sell because his market value is really high (£18m). We are pleased because we don’t want Alonso to go unless we get a very good price.

Remember this is the same manger who thought Peter Crouch was worth £15m! What makes me laugh is the way Benitez tries to conduct the price, he was told by Aston Villa originally that Barry would cost £18m and he said ‘Nah, we’ll pay you £12m and throw in a player.’ Er, sorry mate, the player is under contract, it’s you that wants to buy him – so stomp up the cash fella and that was after he tried to make an illegal approach for Barry, some people, the nerve. He’s either trying to be very crafty or he has a big set of cojones on him. Same with Crouch, the beanpole striker who couldn’t get in the team. Crouch only got a run out when Liverpool played in the Makita Cup or pre-season friendlies, any ‘proper’ games and old Robot dancing boy was consigned to getting splinters up his jacksey. But as soon as it came to selling, Crouch was the best player in the world, Liverpool’s most important player, found the cure for cancer and his worth had rocketed to £15m. WTF? Anyway this is an Arsenal site so I shouldn’t be banging on about other teams, but Benitez is mental. But to draw a conclusion I would definitely take Alonso but seeing that Liverpool will need to sell in order to buy Barry you would think that Benitez would meet in the middle somewhere. Wenger has said he’s going to bring in one more – it might turn out it’s not even anyone we’ve thought of, fecking hell Le Gaffer might be lining up a move for Joey Barton!

The man in the middle

Good day to you Gooners and what a glorious one it is too. Someone must of reminded England that it actually summer right now as the sun is a blazing, which is nice. 

So what do I have for you today? Well not a great deal to be honest as not a lot has happened, someone would of thought it was pre-season or something. We’re still waiting for Arsene Wenger to dust down and break out the cheque book out for someone with experience. A couple players surprisingly reckon Le Gaffer doesn’t need to splash the cash namely Czech mate Tomas Ro-sicky and Brazilian Denilson. Ro-sicky reckons our very own Abou Diaby is the man to partner The Cesc in the middle of the park and Denilson reckons he’s the man with the big cojones to do the job. Personally I believe that those two players can do the job, but not right now, but in time. 

If Wenger doesn’t go and buy someone (which he really needs to) it would mean sitting through another ‘transitional’ period and I’m not sure many Gooner’s would want to put up with that. Diaby does have the touch of the Vieira’s about him and Denilson is a talent but those two haven’t exactly got a phobia of the treatment room have they? Next season we have to hit the ground running, we wont have time to play around with the midfield and re-jig here or there. Also my fear is if we don’t get someone with the experience The Arsenal deserve, The Cesc could well ask himself when is he going to win some silverware with this team. With Fabregas winning Euro2008 with Spain, he has got a taste for it now. Fabregas deserves a quality partner, Arsenal deserve a quality midfield and I don’t think Wenger can afford not to go and splash the cash. I know quite a few people are saying we don’t need a ‘big name’ I’d agree with that to some degree. No one knew too much about Bacari Sagna or Eduardo before they came to London’s finest and both were blinding in their debut season before injury curtailed them both. However that would be a huge gamble if Wenger doesn’t buy anyone who isn’t proven. Not a ‘big name’ but proven and proven in the Premier League. Someone who wont take time to settle in, get up to speed and that malarkey. We need someone who is ready, someone who is proven. Someone when he is named everyone is like ‘Holy shit  I fancy our chances now!’ I wont get excited if we get hold of this Amaury Bischoff fella as he’s played less games than Shaun Wright-Phillips has started for CSKA Chelsea. He might be good but frigging hell we’re crying out for someone who can take the bull by the horns and hit the ground running so that The Cesc can do what he’s best at. Obviously there’s loads of names been banded around but only a select few will give us the ‘wow’ factor, who might not be a big name but ‘proven’ and the longer it takes Wenger to identify the player and splash the cash the more Gooner’s are getting nervous.

This is going to be huge season not only The Arsenal but for Le Gaffer. Wenger hasn’t won a trophy now since we completely outplayed Manchester USA in the 0-0 F.A. Cup Final in 2005 and stole the game on penalties and another season trophyless will get a few fans twitching.

T-shirt competition

The t-shirt comp is now closed, so thank you for all your entries, the ‘I Love AFC’ proved to be very popular judging by the deluge of entries. The lucky winner will be picked out the magic hat on Friday. So if you’re not the lucky one you could still do yourself and buy it from the Allgoonerdup T-shirt shop.

That’s your lot today Gooner’s